So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
