someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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