I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
