Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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