I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
