break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
