Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
