I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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