I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
