I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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