even my farts smell like vagina
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
