My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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