so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
