U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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