God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
