you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I checked into jail on foursquare
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
