Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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