Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
