those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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