Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
