oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
