I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
