dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
zippers are such a cool invention
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
