I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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