her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
