I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
high people should be assigned attendants
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
