He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
