another moral hangover. fuck.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
