it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
