Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
