i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
