I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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