My nipple is on Facebook.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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