Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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