when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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