Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
