ADVERTISEMENT

• (860): View more from Connecticut

  The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

  Fav 27 6554 1254

  share tweet
  

• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  It was only one, it doesn't count.

  Fav 30 1681 4401

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (734): View more from Michigan

  Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?

  Fav 7 3304 998

  share tweet
  

• (515): View more from Iowa

  oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

  Fav 5 2711 1207

  share tweet
  

• (708): View more from Illinois

  My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.

  Fav 15 2649 998

  share tweet
  

• (415): View more from California

  Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage

  Fav 4 1119 662

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

  Fav 4 897 679

  share tweet
  

• (314): View more from Missouri

  The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.

  Fav 5 667 649

  share tweet
  

• (708): View more from Illinois

  I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.

  Fav 2 593 559

  share tweet
  

• (616): View more from Michigan

  i need to put some appletini on your dick

  Fav 3 676 493

  share tweet
  

• (240): View more from Maryland

  AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS

  Fav 1 336 145

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (330): View more from Ohio

  Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.

  Fav 0 286 220

  share tweet
  

• (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old

  Fav 3 27 45

  share tweet
  

• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  How do you feel about a threesome?

  (817): View more from Texas

  Will you be there?

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm the one asking!

  Fav 1 93 8

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (419): View more from Ohio

  Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!

  Fav 0 69 9

  share tweet
  

Randomize