So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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