I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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