Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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