fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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