You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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