I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
This baby is an asshole
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
