no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
