My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
