if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
