You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
pray to the hookup gods
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
