I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
