My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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