Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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